Confidence.

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Learned something tonight at rehearsal....I can tell you EXACTLY what makes this come to light for me....

I have the most unique and precious relationships in my theater life. Right now, I am working with a director who has been my friend for 9 years....who is not only magnificent in his direction...but his ability to show me the best in me that I often do not see.

A few years ago, Ralph knew I was going through some pretty rough times...and he calmly stated, "It's all how you handle it, baby." And I've kept that first and foremost in my mind and in my heart since those words were first spoken. Believe me, it's not always easy to keep those words in the front...but eventually, i do return to them.

We are three weeks from opening night of Fiddler on the Roof. Ralph specifically asked me to stage manage this show because he said "without you this show will tank. I need you by my side for this one." For someone like me, someone who very rarely feels needed by anyone except her 5 year old, this mean more to me than possibly life itself. To me...it means that not only am I trusted, respected and admired...it means that I am understood and that someone sees in me what i cannot see in myself.

After the rehearsal was over and all the actors went home...Ralph and I plopped down and talked about what worked...what didn't work and how to fix it. And it's a completely natural and free from expectations of each other relationship. Light bulbs go on...we work towards the solution and get excited when we both agree. And even when we do not see the same resolutions...we can easily see the other's viewpoint...without anger, bitterness or jealousy. It's an absolute revelation of how ALL relationships, personal or otherwise, should be. In Ralph, i glean not only a professional posture...but confidence that is undeniably one of my best attributes. Because even if I fail at what I do...i know that I did not meekly make an attempt...if i am going to fail, i want to walk into that place with my head held high, knowing that i did everything i could to succeed. Anything less than that stance is detrimental to the rest of life.

Ralph shows me the respect and gratitude of a director who can breathe relief because all he needs to do is HIS job...and I do mine...and we discuss when we have the opportunity of how our "day" went.

Confidence. I see in my director the reflection of my importance in his production..and as his "i'm by your side 100%" partner. And that is priceless.

so it got me thinking...about who i spend my time with...and are they the mirror that I have come to love in Ralph?

I told a story to Mel once...about when I was told in 2001 that I was going to die..this really happened, folks. Scary stuff. The day I was told this...i went to my address book, my email and my phone and started looking at the names and I did some major weediing...the calls went something like this, "Linda? Hi. This is Kat..ya know, i never really liked you..so i'm deleting your number from my phone." CLICK. I did that with about 40 or so people...and I never let that number build up again. So while i'm working outside under the floodlight on the coffin that is on my picnic table (you just can't make this s**t up...) i got to thinking about that again...and I realized that since I have led my life in this way, I have so many good, deep, sincere friends...people that make me laugh...people that make me cry in a good way, because their generosity and kindness are the stuff dreams are made of...and every so often, i do find a name or two that just has to go...

Confidence. I am ME. No one can make me feel inferior without my consent. I love this: "A successful person is one who can lay a firm foundation with the bricks that others throw at him or her." ~David Brinkley I've built a few foundations...and on top of them I have been able to establish fortresses. I've come to learn that it's never who you are that holds you back, it's who you think you are not.....

I don't know why I felt it necessary to share...but I promised myself in 2001 that I would try and touch people's lives, in whatever way i could, so that when i'm gone...someday, someone would have something of mine to read, look at...or silently remember.

I started doing this in another place last year...and almost a year of these thoughts and insights were deleted. Yes, a very, very sore spot for me...but the confidence in me says that it is not truly gone if even one person remembers what I said...just one little piece of me will survive...and that is enough.

I am at my very best right now...shining with the light of myself that is reflecting back on to me from the mirrors of others. Think about that. For the next several months, I have the honor of being Ralph's stage manager...and in that truth lies what i have known about myself for a very long time....that when I am in production for a show...my confidence level is off the charts.

Somehow...it all just comes together.