2320, July 26th.

So after pouring out one's heart and soul into something for six months...there's a release when it comes to an end.

I've been involved in theater since I was 5. I've been a professional stage manager for over 20 years. The non-union kind. There's a difference. Union techies find very little passion in their job...I believe my job gives me passion. So I am inclined to work harder and longer at something that gives me so much in return. And as I thought about that tonight...I started looking at my life, and literally dissecting it to find out where else my passion comes from. What other areas, people, places, things, that get my time, give me that same feeling. And I was surprised to see how definitive and SHORT the list was. Which tells me that although there are very few things that bring me to this place of fullfillment, they are significant enough to be all I need. How many times can I go through my day and feel uninspired? That was my question as I began to look back at places in my life that were so full of this "passion" that my heart was bursting at the seams. I am glad I have a place to come to to document this publicly, for those who choose to read and absorb and/or apply these simple insights.

First of all...I would have to say that the one very constant thing in my life that can make me take a breath, step back, reassess and move forward, is my daughter, Mandy. Yesterday, at the theater, there was some unpleasantness that brought me to tears. I share this because there have been very few times in my life that I can say I have been in a place that has made me want to give up. And as I looked back at those moments...I realized that Mandy has always been there to give to me the unconditional love that I believe only exists in two areas....either with your dogs, or your children. I watched her pick up the pieces of my heart and gather them safely in her hands...and with the hug that only can be described as the very essence of pure love, she replaced them with a bone crushing hug and tears with the words, "I love you, Momma." From a young woman who is almost 26 years old...this is really something. It is the same relationship I had with my mother. Mandy is quite special. She has been for as long as I can remember. When I had my open heart surgery in 1996, that ended a magnificant career in aerospace, this little girl kept me alive. With words, with actions and with a look in her eyes that said more than any words could ever express. Yesterday, those actions were enough to make me stand up for myself, not let my generosity of heart and soul be taken for granted. Literally, she became the cement that held me together, and the strength that had been depleted from me little by little over the course of the last few weeks. No one in my life is as important to me as she is. To me, she is not only my daughter, but the one true friend we should all be lucky to have. For never, has she ever questioned what I do, she simply stands solid and states, "I love you for who you are...and that will never change, no matter what happens." We sometimes have talks that need to be qualified, as in, "Mandy, I need you to be my friend right now, not my daughter." Or, "Mom, be Kat right now, because I need you to be the friend, not the Mom." And yet, if she came to me and needed to put her head in my lap and have me stroke her hair and tell her "everything will be okay", I could switch gears in an instant. For the two of us, our friendship is so honest and so loving that nothing could ever tear it apart. And having one good friend like that is better than a million causal acquaintences.

Next on my list was my security. Security is different to everyone, I believe. Some may look at it as money, or a home, or a job. But those things, as funny as this may sound, are really not very secure in today's world. Instead, I find my riches in other people and how I have watched what I do for them affect their lives in truly positive ways. The reward of watching someone be touched by what I say and do, is a reward that is priceless. I find my home in the warmth of people's smiles...or in their trust. For a home made of wood and beams is structure...but a home made from the fabric of love is eternal and can never be burned, or destroyed as long as it stands. We may move from "home" to "home" in this scenario...but as long as you stay true to your heart...you can always find a place to lay your head...and a shoulder is better than any pillow in my book. I find that the best job I have ever had is the one that doesn't pay me one cent. Everyday, I get up and consider what I do for others to be my "job". Sometimes I don't get paid. And that's okay. But when I do? There is something much grander in the gems that can only be stored in the heart, than the money one puts in the bank. My security lies in the fact that I have several places I can go to find what I need to get me through my day. Some days are harder than others...but to those who give to me what they find so hard to give to themselves? That to me is everything. I never look for any "payment" for my generosity. And my childlike, and sometimes gullible heart gets broken frequently...but when I look at those who can pick up the pieces...give them back...those are the people i "go to work" for everyday. And don't even get me started on animals. I still believe there is an aura around my house that says, "come here...she'll take care of you." And truthfully, I hope my friends see the same thing.

Pride. Sometimes a bad thing in the hands of the wrong person. But if you can learn to be proud of what you do without making it sound like you are full of yourself, and be sincere in what you do....well then, the world needs more of you. I am proud to be the mother of two wonderful children. Liam...is a miracle child. Should have never been conceived. Not after 7 years of chemotherapy. But he's here...and perfect...well, for a 5 year old...and holding him reminds me that life is a gift. I am proud to be one of the finest stage managers in Rochester...I love what I do..and how I do it. I get beaten up alot...truly. But I continue to throw myself back into the ring, because as a stage manager, it really isn't about recognition...because no one ever really thinks about behind the scenes, backstage...they only see what can be seen. Perhaps that's what keeps me going, frankly. It's magic. I create magic. And it's like a wonderful secret. It's mine...all mine...I own it. I don't need the world to see me...I need only to know that the magic was seen. The applause may not be for me...but the reactions on the faces of the cast is my reward. For I selflessly create the environment for them to play in....and then quietly stand in the wings and watch. It really teaches you to be humble.

Finally, I am moved by a handful of people in my life that have become so important that time and distance have very little affect on our relationship. My brother, Tom, is one of those people. 3000 miles will never change a hug or a phone call...for sometimes, even hearing the voice of someone that fills you with so much, can fill you so full of passion that you feel your heart will explode. I actually counted those people tonight. Not including my immediate family, I came up with 4 names. Then I looked at my facebook page and my friends lists on other sites, added them up...622. And out of that, there are 4 people. It really made me think.......

and prompted this question:
[B]
How do we define a relationship that can be called true friendship?[/B]

An important trait of such relations is that we are not much worried about exposing ourselves. I am able to speak about everything in my mind without worrying about what someone will think. I am sure that they will take what I say in the spirit it was made. We are unguarded and open without fear.

A true friend will support you even if it hurts his/her own interest. A true friend will understand your motives and needs and will be with you without any analysis or criticism. A true friend makes no excuses of having work or appointments or anything but will be with you whenever you need him/her. In your hour of desperation, a true friend will support you even if the whole world opposes you. A true friend is not an opportunist.

I have 4. 622 = 4. Don't get me wrong...there are probably over 100 out of those 622 that I would actually go out with, by them a beer...but not the ones that I feel I could go to, like my daughter, and put my head on their lap and have them tell me, "everything will be okay"....when I need it.

Today...I needed that. And ya know? I found out that only having a choice of 4 people was comforting. Because those 4 know EXACTLY what's going on in my life...and it's their laps...or shoulders, or ears. That i can trust with my heart, my words, and my time. And when I went to them for comfort, i wasn't turned away.

And that? Is the way to fill your passion back up when it gets depleted. And it wasn't so much about getting replenished that amazed me...it was thinking that because I poured so much of myself out to those initially...that it changed the other person to do the same in return.

Life can be shitty...but it can also be very very cool. I hope I don't have too many of these days where I feel like I am in the twilight zone...but it sure felt good to be in the presence of those who truly appreciate me to the extent that they would give me something back.

I live each day as if it were my last...and seriously, regardless of the crap I get from living that way....the harvest of the seeds I plant day to day is amazing.

"Everybody's searching, hungry for the glamour, you know too many hearts are in a rush. No matter how you try to, you can't explain the places you find love." ~Barbara Streisand.