Brain Jam

So much on my mind lately. I posted in another blog entry that if I didn't open the escape valve on my brain and my heart every now and then i would probably explode. Such is the case this evening.

So, in thinking over a few very important aspects of my life, coupled with the extreme emotions that being involved in RENT has brought on...i looked up some quotes on "thinking":

“People mistakenly assume that their thinking is done by their head; it is actually done by the heart which first dictates the conclusion, then commands the head to provide the reasoning that will defend it.” Anthony de Mello.

Unless you happen to be Mr. Spock (the Star Trek Spock, not the doctor), this is probably true for most human beings. I say, "most", because if EVERYONE thought with their heart, i'm pretty sure this world would be completely different. One big example comes to mind..."oh yeah...see...this border? the one we've been fighting over since before the Bible was written? yeah, I really don't want to have to shoot at you anymore over this." Less obvious are the day to day dealings with people that breath the same air as you do. If I over analyze...if I let my brain get SO wrapped up in bittersweet details, or begin to judge in areas in which I am also lacking...I just open myself up to a world of hurt.

Story:

My mother used to say, "if so and so jumped off a bridge, would you follow them?" I was sarcastic as a child, as well. My answer, to diffuse the reality of the answer and try to keep the conversation light was usually, "it depends on whether they had chocolate or not." Which always got "the look"...you know, the "mom look". When she would finally get my attention, I would say, "no, of course not." My Mom, was an extremely unique woman. She was also my best friend. Her wisdom and her positive outlook on life drove me to seek and fulfill my dreams. She taught me to follow my heart and not to be dismayed if sometimes it misdirected me. "to err is human" she would say. And she would add, "so it doesn't matter what you use to think with...your brain or your heart...because it's all human." She had the heart of an adventurer...and a heart that was full of love and compassion..for everyone. At the beginning of WWII, she fell in love with a young man named Sandy Hannah. He was a gunner in the Air Force. While he was in Germany, they were engaged by "proxy". I still have a stack of love letters from him to my mother tied together with a pink silk ribbon. She loved him with all her heart. You could tell she loved him. Because it showed in her actions, her words, her energy, the way she lived her life and especially in her eyes. There was no way to disguise the glow of what her heart knew was true. And then, a year after their engagement, a western union came to the Hannah family. Sandy's plane had been shot down somewhere over New Guinea. When my mom would sit and tell me this story...you could see the change in her body posture, and you could see the glint vanish from her eyes...filled with the pain of losing someone she so dearly loved. Parts of the plane were found months later some on shore, some in the water, but no bodies. It still remains a mystery. Of course...her world as she knew it unraveled. And she gave up on her heart. Once that part of her "thinking" was gone, she gave into the influence of others trying to give her advice and direction in order to "get over" her loss. Which, as she told me, was impossible. She said, "once the heart feels something like that, regardless of what anyone says or does...even if there is no hope, there is no "getting over" it." So true. And she tried to bury those feelings under the pressure of her peers.

Now...don't get me wrong, I'm glad she found someone else eventually...because without my Dad, I wouldn't exist. But they were wrong for each other. My brothers agree. They never should have gotten married. My Mom stopped using her heart to think...and listened to others...followed their way of thinking. And quite frankly, my mother was not completely free to begin feeling and thinking with her heart again until my father passed away in 1988. Sad, but oh so very true.

I am very much "my mother". After my Dad died, I watched her come to life...is that terrible to say? Maybe. But it needs to be said, because after the details of his passing were settled, i saw a completely different woman in my mother. And the stories began. She studied piano at Julliard. She was an artist...a fashion designer...but her mother made her give up that dream because at the time it wasn't a "real job". And throughout her 40 year marriage to my Dad...if Sandy had reappeared? She would have followed her heart.

It's been my experience that those who do not think with their heart (usually out of fear) are always searching for answers. Sometimes the answers aren't really "the answers". Think about that...and think with your heart...the brain will engage, trust me. But which is the stronger of the two? Your heart doesn't always know what is right or what is wrong...but does your brain really know either?

“We are formed and molded by our thoughts. Those whose minds are shaped by selfless thoughts give joy when they speak or act. Joy follows them like a shadow that never leaves them.” Buddha. Smart guy.

When I think with my over analytical brain (and believe me...it works - for those of you who think that since I never use it it has become obsolete...) I get depressed. Because life can be depressing. Really. I look at some of my personal situations and if I didn't laugh at some of the messes I made, man...i'd be crying every waking hour of every day. And that is NO WAY TO LIVE. So I find humor in mistakes, laughter in situations that would make a monk scream and FOLLOW MY HEART. Because when I don't? I'm not being true to myself or the person that I have always been. And I certainly don't want to wait 40 years (because i really don't have that much time left, truthfully...each day of my life is a gift.) to be happy.

I saw this on a birthday card,

“At the age of 20, we don't care what the world thinks of us; at 30, we worry about what it is thinking of us; at 40, we discover that it wasn't thinking of us at all.”

Amen. Time to stop thinking.
It's time to start feeling...and you can only do that if you engage your heart.

Peace.